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The End of Food

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The doom and gloomers are predicting the era of food as we know it is over. It seems that in the future we will be eating bug burgers and drinking something like soylent green when it’s time to put on the old feedbag. I’m not feeling too good about the prospect of drinking something the consistency of Metamucil three times a day until the day I die. How will life be worth living if I can’t sink my teeth into a juicy tenderloin?

So, now, not only do I have techno geeks to thank for my smartphone, but I can also thank them for this gastronomical solution that has me totally depressed. There may be people out there who think this is no big deal but for me, it is the crisis of a lifetime. How can I live without pizza, or hamburgers, or French fries? Sure, I balance all that junk out with a kale smoothie from time to time to keep my conscience at bay, but even a kale smoothie has got to be better than eating cricket salad or drinking a biotech dinner for the next thirty years of the remainder of my natural life expectancy. Most certainly I will die much earlier from malnutrition in protest of such a taste bud disaster.

Food engineers honestly believe they have discovered the solution to the future problem of food shortages in the face of climate change disasters and population growth. They think all they have to do is toss into their hi-tech blender amino acids, lipids, carbohydrates, vitamins, and minerals with a healthy heaping of water and, voila, liquid nutrition. Scientists believe this food of the future is better because it delivers nutrients more efficiently. Well, I’ve got news for those scientists. When I am savoring the flavor of a baked potato slathered in butter and sour cream, with cheddar cheese melting and hanging off my fork like strings, the last thing I’m thinking about is how efficiently those carbohydrates are going to enter my bloodstream.

People don’t eat for the purpose of nutritional efficiency! What planet are these scientists from? If people selected food based on its efficient ability to deal a maximum dose of nutrition with the least effort, the world would not be dealing with obesity and obesity related illness on the scale it does today. People choose food for the simple pleasure it delivers to their mouth.

There is also talk in this scientific community about how easy it will be for a person to order their nutritional supplies off the Internet. You know how the scientists are aware of this? Because that is how they got their ingredients for this modern marvel.

I don’t know about you but I actually enjoy going to the grocery store. It’s the highlight of my week. I enjoy picking up and smelling a cantaloupe. I enjoy griping about how much a pound of ground beef is this week compared to last week. I enjoy the thrill of slapping a $1 off coupon onto the check-out counter and feeling as if I’ve really pulled one over on big business. I’ll be having none of this “ordering nutritional components” off the worldwide web and waiting for dinner to arrive in a canister inside a cardboard box. I’ll just bet that ol’ cardboard box is even tastier than the hi-tech “slurry” it contains.

The most interesting question I have, though, is, if this foodie revolution does occur, and people are no longer eating solid food anymore, will we evolve into a different human? Will our intestines continue to shrink and we all develop hourglass figures with a concave abdomen? Will the toilet paper industry go out of business? Will our future ancestors think about hemorrhoid medicine the same way today’s society things about laudanum of the 1800’s?

I don’t care if this super food of the future turns people into superheroes, I’ll not be having it! I object! I want my tacos and pancakes and chocolate chip cookies. I want my two hour treks to the grocery store every week. Without it I would become a hermit. While my grandkids are sipping away at their breakfast, lunch and dinner, I have resigned myself to their future eye-rolls and comments of, “You know Grandma. She’s just too old to change. She’s ‘old school’ over there with her biscuits and gravy.” And that will be me, a rebel to the end, gnawing away at my biscuits and gravy with no teeth, refusing to drink my dinner.